You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
