So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize