Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
