I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
