It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
