Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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