Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
