I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
