How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
