Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
im holly from the hills drunk
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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