dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
