i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Fuck appropriateness.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
