she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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