I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
