How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
