I cannot find my penis.
I have demons in me.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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