I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Pooping to opera.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
