You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
