she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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