Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
