Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
