So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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