phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
