please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Two words: blizzard sex
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
