The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
