I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
