i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
