we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
