Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
