you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
