Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
