So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
