She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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