i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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