I hate all girls vehemently.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
