yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize