Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
