You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
