I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize