everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
