I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
