Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
