When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
