Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
