Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize