I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
