Can i not drive my cunt home
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
