I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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