when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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