A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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