How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
