I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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