good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
