On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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