she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
