i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
