No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
