my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
