my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Is it penis luge time yet?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
