sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
