I got chris browned last night
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
