I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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