He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize