I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
