Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize